sticks and stones may break my bones....

I am in a place where now the workouts become more difficult.  is it because I am so fat? Is it because I have low self worth?  Is it because I feel a failure already?  I am not sure the answer but I am finding it harder to accomplish once obtained goals.  On Thursday last I was going to go for my walk/run and ended up having everything else get in the way.  So I decided to go on Friday and let Thursday be my resting day.  I did go on Friday but it was not the motivated walk/run I would like to be doing at this point.  I actually walked the whole thing and not at a pace I am generally proud of.  It was nice but I felt unaccomplished!  So down I fell.....Saturday came and this is my big run day.  Having missed the Saturday run so much up til now I thought I would surely do it.  Nope!  Everything got in the way (meaning, I was too lazy, once again, to put me first).   So I went Sat and Sunday without a workout.  Yep, that brings me to Monday.  Today!  I did my walk/run in our neighborhood and we have some killer hills that even my long time running friend acknowledged were over the top difficult.  I walked the entire thing AGAIN!  I did keep a very good pace and kept my heart rate up the whole time but I feel so much like a failure that I cant enjoy the benefits of the time out there.  So I am in a funk!  What does this mean for my future as a runner, I don't know but it cant be good.  My back was killing me all day and I don't feel that I am really burning anything off or strengthening my body at all.  This is why people hire personal trainers.  Biggest loser and shows like that sound pretty good right now!  Tomorrow will be a test, both of my friends will not be joining me.  This means I will have to motivate and accomplish my run/walk by myself.  It seems to me I may not be up to the challenge.  It is like putting a piece of grilled liver in front of someone and leaving the room HOPING they will eat and enjoy.  Yea, right.  Is there a dog in the house?  Not to mention all my children will be home due to the recent hurricane Ike.  All our schools are out and most businesses.  Psychologically this is blowing my mind.  Some think this is just a case of mind over body.  I am going to agree and disagree.  My body really doesn't want to go but I think my body wants to do it more than my mind.  Listen to me, I sound like this is all distanced from me, like my body and mind are entities all their own.  Excuses? Yes!  I was in a pageant as a child and I remember the director always saying "people, people, people" to get us to hush and listen.  This is what I am doing now to myself.  The only problem with that is not only do I not have to physically hear it but I can disobey without letting anyone down but me.  What a nightmare I have created!  So I must say that I have been suffering from intense migraines and pretty bad cramps this past week so I fall back on the pain factor a lot and maybe that is where this is all coming from.  But am I not to hold myself responsible for all my actions, good excuses or not?  Maybe setting my goals too high made this almost unattainable therefore sabotaging myself into failure.  Again, I may be over thinking the whole thing but, well I don't know what, but something!??!??!  Lets hope tomorrow brings fantastic results to cheer up this pessimist.  Maybe I will go somewhere where the path isn't so hard and hilly.  I can only do that if someone goes with me.  Maybe the teenage girl next door will suffer through an hour to help me out with the children.  We'll see.  Bye